12 June 2016

Last Sunday before Deployment

Spending the last Sunday with Jason before he deploys.  In some ways, I'm glad that the time is about upon us because the sooner he leaves then the sooner he can get back.  But in others, like looking down that long road of experiences and holidays between now and next March, I'm very much not looking forward to it at all.  And I guess that's to be expected.  I try to hold it as proof that I've chosen well and correct, that it could be so danged boring without him.  Even when I'm doing something fun it feels like I'm just filling the time waiting his return.  I guess there is no consolation and there is nothing to do but lean into the experience and try my best.

Sometimes I feel un-entitled to feel this way.  When I think of the women I know who have weathered years and years, and multiple deployments with children in tow, I feel like somehow I dont have the right to feel this way.  That I would need to experience more before I could rightly claim my place among the ladies and men, too, who - dare I say - Soldier on while their mate is away on a long absence.  But I also know I would never say that to someone else - that they have no right to feel loss or apprehension.  I would never tell them that they need to be silent, stoic, strong because they havent earned it.  I know grief is not earned, its simply experienced.  Having that kind of grace with myself its it's own struggle.

I'm trying to be more vulnerable and open myself up to the possibility of joy which means being willing to experience failure and disappointment, too.  Not something I'm great at.  But worthwhile, I think.  I'm not ready to write about it yet but I invite you to begin talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend.  When you think about doing that, perhaps you will understand what I'm working with here.

02 June 2016

Reason Informs Outcome

I heard a really interesting snip-it today. The same was reason will inform the outcome. It reminded me that sometimes I do things with an outcome in mind. It reminded me that I should just live in the moment. And it reminded me that I need to commit and be fierce in filling my time for no other reason than to LIVE. 
Life in the new apartment is moving along.  While there is not a lot of wind wooshing in the trees, there are actually more song birds here; I hear mockingbirds here from time to time and it always makes me smile.  The other day, there was even a fat robin hopping around upon the grass, cocking his head from side to side in a valiant effort to hear an earthworm or two.   When it rains, the rain is louder than I thought it would be.  Also, the complex is exceedingly dog friendly, to include 7(?) border patrol K9 units.  The dogs they run are amazingly beautiful creatures.  The other dogs on site run the gambit - all mostly friendly and wildly untrained.

So, life goes on.  Things missed.  New things to enjoy.

Jason is somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 days - give or take - before he leaves on his 9 month deployment.  I am not looking forward to that.  I'm sure most people dont, but it's more than just the missing.  When Jason is away, life just seems on hold.  I spend the entire time with this vague underlying feeling that I'm waiting for him to get back.  Like a barn-sour horse, I have the tendency to stay home and avoid leaving.

For the sake of living a brave and full life, I am making the commitment to work against these tendencies as much as possible.  So what if the activities are not as fun by myself.  I am going to do them anyway.  I am going to do them and just have a terrible time - if that's the case - but I am going to do them.

1. I need to buy a bathing suit.  Dear Body, I'm sorry I let you get so fat but we are getting a bathing suit anyway because, guess what?  You are going to go swimming at Balmorhea.  The Chihuahua desert may have used to have been a big ocean but now it's a desert.  And there, just at the foot of the mountains in the middle of it, is a spectacular natural pool that has been developed into a pool.  You love the desert sky.  You love burning your body to a crisp on accident.  You love fishes.  You are going to get into that suit and swim at Balmorhea.  Plus, there is that Bruce Robison song, "Lights of Loving County." that says Balmorhea soooo... live out the song dear one.

2. Already planned the first of many more trips to Alpine.

3. You must get to a show at the Liberty in Roswell.

4. You really should see the Trinity site and stop at White Sands.

5. Maybe other swimming in Central texas.

6. Trips to plan, the only limitation is vacation time.  Montana.  Florida.  Scott Valley.  Dear life, slow down!

While we are discussing it, work really gets in the way of my travel plans.  I should put some of my time to devote to developing multiple income sources.  Things like my website business, dog sitting, real estate.  and more.

Well.  There is my stream of conciousness for today.