31 January 2016

Wind in the Trees

Last night I went to bed early. Because of that, I woke up very early this morning: about 4:30 if we are being honest. I was laying on my stomach trying to go back to sleep when I gradually became aware that I could hear the wind in the trees outside. Somewhere a neighbor's wind chime jingled in random dis-resonance.  

I realized that in about a month we would be moving into an apartment and there are no trees anywhere around.  This was rather depressing but rather than dwell on it, I took a deep breath and buried myself in the soft wooshing outside my window. 

Nature is hard enough to find in the city and its hard enough for man to find his connection there. It's easy to lose oneself in the false connections of possession   and position with a healthy dose of alcohol or other drug to bookend your week of toil with an alternate consciousness. None of it can take the place of grass beneath your feet or dark chilly water slipping past your body.

The apartment is a smart choice and I feel that it is the right choice. But there is no part of me that doesn't already mourn the breathy voice of the wind, whispering her past and future In The arms de los arboles at 430 in the morning. 

Violent Collision of Awesome - Transition to Allowing

Toying with the idea today that too often we try to over-architect a situation in order to try and build it and in the interim, we miss out on enjoyment of life and often dont feel like we have ended up with success.  In trying so hard to define success, we feel like a failure.

We want to know what the end answer is in order to choose the correct path to it.  For example, if we want money, we want to know what outcome will give us that money so that we can work steadily towards that when that particular outcome may not actually be what we want at all.  Or, if we do not know how to get there or cant think of an outcome that will net the result, we feel like a failure.  

My own struggle is, "Where will we live."  I try and try to define a location, a city, an ultimate answer so that I can begin building the path that will ultimately lead to there.  So that I can feel secure knowing a certain timeline.  So that I can feel reassured that it WILL happen.  It's like trying to extract information from an alligator.  I wrestle this aligator in the muddy pit of need and determination but it always ends in a draw.  I'm never able to tussle that alligator into divulging the information I so desperately need to put my mind at ease.

But who ever heard of getting advice from an alligator?

Enter the new idea, that is that I should be focussing a little less specifically on an absolute answer of where and concentrate more on the what - what does that place give me, do for me, what is available to me there, what will make it enjoyable.  And in focussing on that, that life will put me on a path to recieve exactly what I want and need.

It feels a bit irresponsible, chancy, belly-button-contemplative which everyone around me has always said is useless.  But here I am 42 with this insane drive to know the ending and it makes me feel like a failure that I cant get there from here.  So, what good is that advice doing me?  Absolutely nothing good.

I'm going to endeavor to be open to life's timeline for me and trust that what I need is on it's own path to me and, at some point, we cant help but colide in a violent and impressive explosion of complete awesomeness.  With or without alligators.

24 January 2016

Making Your Own Meme

I havent always been the most confident person, but when the most recent Facebook Meme ap surfaced, I coudnt resist rejecting the canned selections for something a bit more personal.  That Facebook gent's got nothing on me! 

Be like you.