Spending the last Sunday with Jason before he deploys. In some ways, I'm glad that the time is about upon us because the sooner he leaves then the sooner he can get back. But in others, like looking down that long road of experiences and holidays between now and next March, I'm very much not looking forward to it at all. And I guess that's to be expected. I try to hold it as proof that I've chosen well and correct, that it could be so danged boring without him. Even when I'm doing something fun it feels like I'm just filling the time waiting his return. I guess there is no consolation and there is nothing to do but lean into the experience and try my best.
Sometimes I feel un-entitled to feel this way. When I think of the women I know who have weathered years and years, and multiple deployments with children in tow, I feel like somehow I dont have the right to feel this way. That I would need to experience more before I could rightly claim my place among the ladies and men, too, who - dare I say - Soldier on while their mate is away on a long absence. But I also know I would never say that to someone else - that they have no right to feel loss or apprehension. I would never tell them that they need to be silent, stoic, strong because they havent earned it. I know grief is not earned, its simply experienced. Having that kind of grace with myself its it's own struggle.
I'm trying to be more vulnerable and open myself up to the possibility of joy which means being willing to experience failure and disappointment, too. Not something I'm great at. But worthwhile, I think. I'm not ready to write about it yet but I invite you to begin talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend. When you think about doing that, perhaps you will understand what I'm working with here.