31 January 2016

Violent Collision of Awesome - Transition to Allowing

Toying with the idea today that too often we try to over-architect a situation in order to try and build it and in the interim, we miss out on enjoyment of life and often dont feel like we have ended up with success.  In trying so hard to define success, we feel like a failure.

We want to know what the end answer is in order to choose the correct path to it.  For example, if we want money, we want to know what outcome will give us that money so that we can work steadily towards that when that particular outcome may not actually be what we want at all.  Or, if we do not know how to get there or cant think of an outcome that will net the result, we feel like a failure.  

My own struggle is, "Where will we live."  I try and try to define a location, a city, an ultimate answer so that I can begin building the path that will ultimately lead to there.  So that I can feel secure knowing a certain timeline.  So that I can feel reassured that it WILL happen.  It's like trying to extract information from an alligator.  I wrestle this aligator in the muddy pit of need and determination but it always ends in a draw.  I'm never able to tussle that alligator into divulging the information I so desperately need to put my mind at ease.

But who ever heard of getting advice from an alligator?

Enter the new idea, that is that I should be focussing a little less specifically on an absolute answer of where and concentrate more on the what - what does that place give me, do for me, what is available to me there, what will make it enjoyable.  And in focussing on that, that life will put me on a path to recieve exactly what I want and need.

It feels a bit irresponsible, chancy, belly-button-contemplative which everyone around me has always said is useless.  But here I am 42 with this insane drive to know the ending and it makes me feel like a failure that I cant get there from here.  So, what good is that advice doing me?  Absolutely nothing good.

I'm going to endeavor to be open to life's timeline for me and trust that what I need is on it's own path to me and, at some point, we cant help but colide in a violent and impressive explosion of complete awesomeness.  With or without alligators.