A couple things I've seen in print lately

"You know, Mom, some people think that leadership is a privilege, but I think of it more as a duty."

"I hate it when you're so hungover that you don't want coffee, but knowing that coffee is essential to making the hangover go away, and then on the way to the coffee shop you pass a pigeon that has been run over with its guts hanging out, and you almost throw up in the street. It happens every time."